"System working" hourglass in storefront space, Joel Holmberg
“The more you work, the more money you make.” This LB said to the archive staff.
But homelessness goes beyond laziness. The Public Library goes beyond books. Every patron was once a child, wanting a parent to provide.
I see patrons come into the archive every day unsure of their potential. I don’t want to be a writer wasted on some hope I can make it with my poems. Yet I don’t want to be a 9-5’er either, hoping this quarter I can crawl my way to 40k annually. But I have and will continue to temporarily take such positions if it gets me where I want to go; like managing databases and organizations creatively. I am a strategic person, able to exist in both technological and artistic communities organically, if not on the fringes of academia. In that way I am similar to my dad, a cowboy at heart, career is my rodeo.
And the McDonald's across the Woodson Regional Library is the only food within walking distance from me. When I don’t have time to pack my lunch before my two-hour trek to work, I stop by and spend less than 5 dollars. By the time I finish lunch, I am greasy and lethargic. This is due to hormonal changes in my face, the rest is due to choice.
Aries, a fellow archives processor, lists out the reasons I should feel good about myself. I wish it was so easy. I am very grateful to be in the hands of beautiful, loving people. I have ambitions I don’t know what to do with. Where does the pain go when it does not serve you?
In Laura Adamczyk’s 2023 essay, “For All the Saints,” she references the Champaign County Historical Archives in search of information to Kenda C. Lawless:
“You don’t want to admit it, but there’s something in the archives that, to you, takes precedence over the family’s genealogy website, the story that they want to tell the world about themselves. The records the not-young women bring out are reassuringly official.”
Again, the dissonance of being a patron:
“All this is what is available to you, a member of the public. You don’t have to have a library card to this library; you don’t even have to live in this town. You work quietly, the not-young women asking every now and then if you’re finding what you’d hoped to find. Yes, you say, not knowing if that’s true, not knowing what you were anticipating.”
Later, at the Hi-Lo, Laura tells us about her upcoming New Orleans trip. I ask about plans and neighborhoods. When I got home I saw Davis had called me. So when I say being from Louisiana follows me everywhere, it does. From poverty to heat to magic.
What continues to bother me is how we work for the things we want and still struggle. This is much of the American Way. But I refuse to be filled with spite. What is beautiful about archive work is the nuance to it. A mystery to solve, sorting order to stacks. I love file management, and working slowly is always better.
A lot of my issues stem from doing too much without meditating. There is a web inside of me. I am avoidant. And for your information, I am going through some life transitions, and I want a good relationship with my body (American Psycho the Musical reference).
When I first started taking myself more seriously, Jensine Madera hired me to teach a 14-week course at the Latin School. She had seen a bigger purpose in me and I appreciated that. So if you are reading this that means a lot to me, I am excited for the future in which our collaboration becomes an asset :)
Yesterday, Niky and I presented our bibliography for The Explanatory Gap (Runaways Lab Theater) at the Queer Bibliography Conference at the California Rare Book School. This was performed remotely, under the chair of Sean Pessin. This was a challenge and it was fun. If you want to see our presentation let us know, as it was not recorded.
Sean has continually been an inspiration to me since we first met in Italy. His work in information and folklore has proven to be a significant motivator for my practice. For a while, I followed this random bookshop on Instagram that lived inside Eight Coffee. Turns out, it was him. And, of course, he was a friend of Emma’s.
That sparkling friend in Los Angeles has changed my life. When I speak of friendship she is one in which I mean.
Yesterday night, at my house, I saunter off to sleep. I had wanted to watch Youtube but Jacob’s shoulder was just too comfortable. I am eager in the ways our comfortability with each other changes shape. In the morning, I read Mana’s blog post on working writers (linked below).
Today, I process legal materials. It’s always something.
Bibliography:
About Sean Pessin
https://seanpessin.com/biography/
(Queering) Explanatory Gap by Niky Crawford and Jessie McCarty
https://thevisualist.org/2024/05/the-runaways-lab-theater-presents-the-explanatory-gap/
For All the Saints, Laura Adamczyk
https://therumpus.net/2013/08/06/for-all-the-saints/
Queer Bibliography Conference 2024
https://www.calrbs.org/events/queer-bibliography-conference-2024/
Working, Mana Taylor
Lee Friedlander New Orleans, Louisiana, 1968
Vivian Maier "Lovers". Chicago, 1960.